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Prominent Archaeologist:
Swords Invented in the 1960's
PARIS, FRANCE -- In a paper released today in the prestigious Journal Archéologie Poisson d'Avril, prominent archaeologist and chair of Ancient Studies at the Academie de Niaiserie in Paris, Professor Emeritus Montant Taureaumerde, has proven conclusively that the objects commonly known as "swords" (French: epées), once believed to be authentic and revered historical objects, were actually an invention of a Tolkien-inspired conspiracy in the 1960's.

In an exclusive interview today, Professor Taureaumerde defended his groundbreaking work, saying, "It should have been obvious to all of us. In the works of Tolkien, do you not also see orcs, elves and dwarves? Where are these creatures in real life? Show to me an orc and I will show to you an authentic 'sword.'"

Decades of careful research have led Taureaumerde to this astounding and irrefutable conclusion. Taureaumerde's findings have clearly debunked other long-standing claims that swords were either invented during the Bronze Age (2500 BC to 1200 BC) in Europe and Asia, or in the late 1990's in the State of Washington.

"This was clearly a '60s thing," Taureaumerde confidently asserts, "a no doubt drug-induced prank that set these hoaxsters to giggling amongst themselves." The identities of the perpetrators of this worldwide hoax, a terrorist group of hippie-types from the early 1960's known only as the "Tolkienistas," are being withheld pending an open investigation by Interpol.

The Tolkienistas appear to believe that the history of the world should be reshaped in the image of the cosmology developed by the late English novelist J.R.R. Tolkien, a world populated by fire-breathing dragons and other mythical creatures, in which these "swords" play a prominent role.

The hoax required many man-years for the careful falsifying of historical documents and rewriting of passages in history books to support the spurious idea that these "swords" were actually used in ancient times.

Even such esteemed period sources as the Maciejowski Bible and the Bayeux Tapestry, often pictured in sword-related literature, were in fact altered by members of this secret society to support what is now known as the "sword myth."

Taureaumerde first stumbled upon this startling conclusion while examining rare un-retouched original photographs of the Maciejowski manuscript and the Bayeux Tapestry, among others, from the 1950's -- which surprisingly showed no signs of these apparently mythical objects. Later photographs, presumably "retouched" and widely distributed by the Tolkienistas, show many examples of these "swords" falsely inserted into them.

The image from the Bayeux Tapestry showing the Death of King Harold that we are all familiar with -- as "retouched" by the Tolkienistas in the 1960's

The original image from the Bayeux Tapestry showing the more plausible account of the death of King Harold from wounds inflicted by a Norman-era semi-automatic "handgonne," as photographed unretouched in the 1950's

A widely publicised image from the famous German artist A Dürer´s book purportedly on "fencing," showing men fighting with the mythical "grossemesser" (German for "big knife") -- as "retouched" by the Tolkienistas in the 1960's

The original image from the famous German artist A Dürer´s actual book "The Gentele Arte of Perfumes and Potpourries," as photographed unretouched and un-rewritten in the 1950's, apparently showing men striking each other repeatedly with lillies and making a "grossemesse" (German for "big smelly mess") of each other

The image from the Maciejowski Bible showing the the Amalekite who brought Saul's crown to David being executed at David's order "by the sword" -- as "retouched" by the Tolkienistas in the 1960's

The image from the Maciejowski Bible showing the the Amalekite who brought Saul's crown to David being executed at David's order using a more practical common household appliance -- as photographed unretouched in the 1950's

These new facts shed a harsh light on the sudden "resurgence" (some would even say "renaissance") of interest in "swords" that sprang up in the 1960's and that continues to this day. This interest was previously believed to have been only spurred by the writers of such fantastical literature as Robert E. Howard, Roger Zelazny, J.R.R. Tolkien, and others, but ultimately supported by "historical facts" and "original examples." Today we know, thanks to the tireless work of Professor Taureaumerde, that the "historical" basis of these objects is totally counterfeit.

The many examples of "historical original swords," as Taureaumerde derisively refers to them, that today reside in places of honor in museums and private collections, were in fact made by one man, known only as "Bob." These "swords" were then buried and subsequently "discovered" and "painstakingly excavated" with much fanfare by secret members of the Tolkienista, posing as legitimate archaeologists during falsified archaeological "digs."

"This heinous sort of historio-terrorism is not uncommon (re-writing history to serve one's own ends has a long and glorious history of its own -- or so we believe, as it is difficult to be certain, for reasons that should be obvious), and this conspiracy is likely the most successful of such hoaxes perpetrated in recent years," Taureaumerde notes.

The question remaining on everyone's lips is "Why?"

Taureaumerde theorizes that, because the Tolkienistas grew up in an era of rebellion and romanticism, the "sword" as described in Tolkien's works was a romantic image that appealed to them.

Taureaumerde surmises that the Tolkienistas wanted to popularize the absurd notion that true early human history was also built on this mythical "weapon of singular destruction" (or WSD).

As Taureaumerde, however, reasonably points out:
"Really, if you think about it for a moment, how silly is this idea of fighting with a sword? If someone threatened me with a sword, I would simply shoot him!"

"I am sure that Odysseus or King Arthur would have done the same - they were practical men," Taureaumerde added.

"To claim that our human history was shaped by such a ludicrous object -- an object that can be picked up only by one end without hurting onesself (and I have experienced this first-hand, to my dismay) -- is pure fantasy."

Taureaumerde concluded with, "These ridiculous objects should be relegated only to fantasy novels, comic books and low-budget motion pictures, where they belong..."

In libraries around the world, all "scholarly" works mentioning the "sword" and its role in history are now being moved to the fiction sections usually devoted to crop circles, alien abductions and Bigfoot.

Peter Johnsson, a noted re-creator and documenter of such purported "historical swords" in Sweden, after reviewing Taureaumerde's research and being asked for comment said:
"My God, what have I done with my life…? I could have been a successful graphical designer…"

Read More About This Astounding Discovery Here

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